Mermaid Blog

Mermaid Hiatus

2007-01-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

A mermaid hiatus is like a normal hiatus, except it involves mermaid a blogs. This blog will be having a mermaid hiatus for awhile. For how long you ask? Months... Months, I tell you!

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #29: Toronto, Canada

2007-01-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

Jeffery Rodriguez, an exuberant social studies teacher, was buying ice cream for his adopted son when a mermaid jumped out from the shadows holding a pistol. Before anyone could react, the mermaid shot the ice cream vendor in the chest and pointed the gun at Jeffery.

“Don’t move or I’ll blow you’re head off!” said the mermaid.

Great, this is exactly what I need, thought Jeffery.

“Alright,” said Jeffery calmly. “There’s no need to get violent. We can work this out rationally.”

“Help me,” said the ice cream vender weakly.

Oh, shut up, thought Jeffery glancing at the vendor. Nobody cares about you.

“Hand over your wallet!” demanded the mermaid.

No chance, thought Jeffery. I have a $20 Blockbuster gift card in there!

“Never!” said Jeffery bravely.

“Daddy, please,” said Jeffery’s son pulling at his jacket.

“Give it to me or I’ll put a hole in your son.”

He doesn’t have the guts, thought Jeffery confidently.

“Go ahead! I’d like to see you try.”

“Daddy, no!”

The mermaid shrugged pointed the gun at Jeffery son’s left knee. He shot. The blast took off the whole lower part of Jeffery son's leg as he fell to the ground in shock.

Great, thought Jeffery. I don’t have money for a peg leg!

“You see I’m not kidding!? This is not a game! Give me your wallet.”

“Daddy, please...” said Jeffery’s son laying on the ground in a pool of his own blood.

Jeffery looked the mermaid right in the eye, crossed his arms and simply said “No.”

The mermaid, feeling embarrassed, slumped back into the shadows.

Sometimes you just need be able to stand your ground, thought Jeffery.

Jeffery’s son died later from blood loss.

Mermaid Ovals

2007-01-06T22:55:00.000-08:00

Mermaid ovals are shaped like ducks.

Mermaid Quote #6

2007-01-04T20:06:00.001-08:00

"It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you were wearing knee pads or not."

-Mermaid Vince Lombardi

Mermaid Opposite Day

2007-01-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

Mermaid Opposite Day is the opposite of Opposite Day. Basically, on Mermaid Opposite Day, everything is the way it should be, like it would any other day.

Mermaid Catsup

2007-01-02T21:23:00.000-08:00

Mermaid catsup is more like ketchup than anything else.

My 2007 Mermaid New Years Resolution

2007-01-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Mermaid Resolution: "I will get more mermaid exercise."

Note - Mermaid exercise is like normal exercise, except it's less effective. It's actually not very effective at all. If anything, people who do mermaid exercise and get results, become slightly less healthy.

Mermaid Sighting #28: New York, New York

2006-12-31T20:34:00.000-08:00

A mermaid was seen today in Time Square duing the annual ball drop. He reportedly waited until the ball was seven seconds away from going all the way down, said "Eh, close enough," and walked away.

Mermaid Pegasus

2006-12-30T21:29:00.000-08:00

Mermaid Pegasus is a unicorn.

Mermaid Numbers

2006-12-29T20:17:00.001-08:00

Mermaid numbers only go as high 750.

Mermaid Puddles

2006-12-28T22:15:00.001-08:00

Mermaid puddles are pockets of air at the bottom of the ocean.

How to Lose a Mermaid Guy in 10 Days...

2006-12-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

Day 1: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 2: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 3: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 4: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 5: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 6: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 7: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 8: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 9: It doesn't really matter what you do.
Day 10: Tell the mermaid guy that you want to break up.

Mermaid Christmas

2006-12-26T21:07:00.000-08:00

Mermaid Christmas was yesterday... Sorry... you missed it.

Mermaid Freudian Slips

2006-12-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

A "mermaid Freudian slip" is phrase used whenever someone falls down. Mermaid Sigmund Freude was sort of a big klutz.

Mermaid Sighting #27: North Pole

2006-12-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

A mermaid was spotted at the North Pole with a Santa Claus costume on. When asked what he was doing, he responded, "What does it look like I'm doing?" He then went on to yell at some mermaid elves, telling them that they're suppose to be making presents, but the mermaid elves didn't respond.

The Three Christmas Mermaid Ghosts

2006-12-23T16:13:00.000-08:00

1. The Mermaid Ghost of Christmas Past
2. The Mermaid Ghost of Christmas Present
3. The Mermaid Ghost of Christmas Present II

(Mermaids hate looking towards the future... It scares them.)

Mermaid Scrabble

2006-12-22T21:48:00.000-08:00

Mermaid scrabble is like normal scrabble with the following differences...

1. "Z" is only worth four points.
2. There's no vowels.

Mermaid Brothers

2006-12-21T20:48:00.000-08:00

Mermaid brothers are like normal brothers, except sometimes they're girls because there's no phrase for mermaid sisters and all mermaid siblings are referred to as mermaid brothers, regardless of gender.

How to Break a Mermaid's Mermaid Spirit...

2006-12-20T13:33:00.001-08:00

Torture.

Mermaid Spirit

2006-12-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

Mermaid spirit is just like normal spirit, except mermaids have mermaid spirit instead of normal spirit.

How to Break a Mermaid's Spirit...

2006-12-18T21:04:00.000-08:00

Mermaids don't have spirits.

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #26: Saarbrücken, Germany

2006-12-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

Local time machine builder, Horst von Humboldt, saw a mermaid in his bathroom shower. The mermaid, being very indecent at the time, starting screaming at Horst to get out. Horst stumbled out of the bathroom, closed the door and waited outside for the mermaid to finish up. Ten minutes later, getting impatient, Horst opened the door a crack and peaked inside. The bathroom was empty as wind blew in through an open window. Horst ran up to the window and got there just in time to see the mermaid climb into a taxi cab and be driven out of his life forever.

Mermaidens

2006-12-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

Mermaidens are mermaids that don't eat waffles or pancakes.

Mermaid Hot Dogs

2006-12-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

Mermaid hot dogs are made using real actual cats.

Mermaid Cells

2006-12-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

Mermaid cells are like other animal cells, except mermaid cells, instead of a nucleus, they have a really small Cheerio in the middle.

Ways to Tell if a Mermaid is Lying...

2006-12-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

1. See if he acts nervous and keeps whispering, "I hope no one knows I'm lying," to himself.
2. Ask him if he's lying and hope he answers honestly.

Why Do Some People Become Mermaids?

2006-12-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

They have half a mind to become a fish.

Mermaid Quote #5

2006-12-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

"Friendship is a flower... You have to let it bloom."

-Drunk Mermaid After Getting a DWI

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #25: Boise, Idaho

2006-12-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

A mermaid was spotted in Boise, Idaho... and that's all there is to it.

The 101 Mermaids

2006-12-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

Normally when there's a hundred mermaids in some place, one more usually shows up, because mermaids hate round numbers.

The French Mermaid Connection

2006-12-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

The French Mermaid Connection is a documentary about hurricanes.

Mer maid

2006-12-06T12:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes mermaids put random spaces in the middle of words for no reason. Once again, I am very, very sorry that they have to be jerks like that.

Mermai-d

2006-12-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes mermaids put hyphens in words randomly for no reason. I'm sorry that they do that. I really am. It's so unnecessary... I wish I could stop them, but I can't... Dumb mermaids.

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #24: Juneau, Alaska

2006-12-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Ron Wesley, a character from the Harry Potter book series, reportedly saw a mermaid at a local movie theater while watching the movie Click. He told officials that the mermaid kept coughing throughout the film, making it hard to hear anything. Ron hopes to rent the movie on DVD so he can actually understand the plot.

Mermaidapaloza

2006-12-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

A music festival where mermaid bands pay to have audiences.

Mermaid Artists

2006-11-29T14:25:00.001-08:00

The following are a few of the more influential mermaid artists throughout mermaid history...

Ali Anderson III - The first female mermaid artist. She was also the last because she wasn't very good and the other mermaid woman around the world were left "very uninspired."

Syd Beckman - An expressionist painter that did anything but express himself. His most famous piece of work was a painting he did of a empty art canvas.

Tim Gates - An impressionist painter that made it big with a painting he did of dinosaur skiing. He died tragically of old age.

Buster Gonzales - A sketch artist who never used a writing utensil in his whole life. It is now suspected that someone else did the drawings he claimed to do.

Mermaid Picasso - Mermaid Picasso was exactly like Picasso, except Mermaid Picasso went back at the end to paint all the oddly placed pieces in his art where they belonged. He was also a part-time food critic.

Pop Sanchez - A sculptor that would instead of recreating an object as a sculpture, would simply use the object itself and say that it's a sculpture.

Eddie Zimmerman - A mermaid that discovered the art of not creating art or doing anything at all.

Mermaid Ambition

2006-11-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

Mermaid ambition is like normal ambition, except with mermaid ambition, mermaids start to become more satisfied with what they already have.

The Mermaid Inquisition

2006-11-27T12:50:00.000-08:00

The Mermaid Inquisition won't show up unless you expect them to... Then they'll torture you.

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #23: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

2006-11-26T09:14:00.001-08:00

Tina Greener, a corrupt police officer, spotted a male mermaid at a local bar last Thursday. The mermaid reportedly ordered a couple Budweisers and approached Tina who was sitting alone at a booth in the corner. The mermaid then used the “Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day” pick up line and was abruptly shot down.

Mermaid Time

2006-11-25T16:39:00.000-08:00

Mermaids have way too much free time on their hands, and they don't have nearly enough time on their chins.

Red Friday

2006-11-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

To mermaids, today is Red Friday, which is the opposite of Black Friday. Wisely, very few stores decide to open.

Happy Thanks Day Everyone!

2006-11-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

Mermaid Quote #4

2006-11-22T12:51:00.000-08:00

"The best thing about November is that it's the longest time before you have to go through October again."

-Mermaid that Doesn't Like October for Some Reason

Mermaid Frostbite

2006-11-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

Mermaid Frostbite = Bladder Infection

Mermaid Monday Night Football Prediction: Giants vs. Jaguars

2006-11-20T17:40:00.000-08:00

Go Giants!

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #22: Moscow, Russia

2006-11-19T19:41:00.000-08:00

While being walked down a crowed street in Moscow, a poodle suddenly turned into a mermaid and then back into a poodle again. No one actually saw this happen, but later when the poodle was temporarily given the ability to talk, he told everything to his owner. The owner died instantly of the shock of his dog speaking, but luckily several reporters were standing nearby.

1-800-MERMAIDS

2006-11-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what happens if you call 1-800-MERMAIDS. If only there was a way to find out...

MERMAID CAPITALIZATION

2006-11-17T21:02:00.000-08:00

Mermaids capitalize with small letters and write the other letters with big letters... eXCEPT NOT REALLY.

What don't Mermaids Mean to Me?

2006-11-16T14:50:00.000-08:00

What Don't Mermaids Mean to Me = Everything - What Mermaids Mean to Me

What do Mermaids Mean to Me?

2006-11-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

A better question is: What don't mermaids mean to me?!

Mermaid Italics

2006-11-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

Mermaid italics are just like normal like normal italics, except they're not italic and they're bolded.

Interview with a Mermaid

2006-11-13T19:11:00.000-08:00

The following is an interview I conducted with a mermaid via walkie-talkie. I am extremely pleased to be able to present this to you as most mermaids refuse to be interviewed under any circumstance. However, this one was convinced in exchange for my financial advice.

Brian: So, what’s it like being a mermaid?
Mermaid: It’s like being a mermaid.
Brian: Have you ever wished you were a human?
Mermaid: No.
Brian: What do think about humans?
Mermaid: I think they’re awesome. But I don’t like them.
Brian: Have you ever murdered another mermaid?
Mermaid: Yes.
Brian: What do you like to do in your free time as a mermaid?
Mermaid: Play dodgeball.
Brian: Have you ever been in love?
Mermaid: Have you?
Brian: Hey, this is your interview! Not mine!
Mermaid: Come on! I'm curious.
Brian: Don't worry about it! Leave me alone!
Mermaid: Just tell me! Have you ever experienced anything through the power of love?
Brian: That’s enough! This interview is over!

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #21: Albany, New York

2006-10-29T20:05:00.001-08:00

A mermaid was seen in Albany two days ago by a blind man. This is the second time a blind person has claimed to see a mermaid despite being unable to see anything with his eyes. However, the blind man this time explained that he was clearly able to see the mermaid in his heart. He is also able to see the pages of some books in his heart, although the words are kind of blurry. He said he has considered having surgery to have reading glasses put in his heart, but he's worried they might interfere with his pacemaker.

Mermaid Currency

2006-10-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Basically this is how mermaid currency works:

A mermaid dollar is equal to four American dollars. A mermaid quarter is equal to one American dollar. A mermaid dollar and a mermaid quarter is equal to five cents.

It's important that mermaids keep their change and cash separate.

Mermaid Star Wars

2006-10-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

Mermaid Star Wars is just like normal Star Wars, except Mermaid Star Wars doesn't take place in space. Most of the film occurs in a small liquor store in Manhattan.

Got Mermaids?

2006-10-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Eating mermaids can help strengthen your bones... but only if it was drinking a lot of milk right before.

Mermaid Sleeping Pills

2006-10-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

Mermaid sleeping pills are used to give their user a full night's rest leaving them feeling refreshed and renewed in the morning. There's only one side effect: it doesn't work!

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #20: Sahara Desert

2006-10-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

A mermaid was spotted in the middle of the Sahara Desert earlier this week, hundreds of miles of any source of water what so ever. It was described as being very, very dead.

Mermaid Monopoly

2006-10-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

Mermaid monopoly is the same as regular monopoly, except for these few subtle difference...

1. Boardwalk is called Mermaid Boardwalk.
2. There's no jail. If you're sent to jail you just have to play with handcuffs on the rest of the game.
3. The banker must have at least three years of a college education (not Harvard). He also gets to wear a cowboy hat if he wants.
4. Donald Trump isn't allowed to play.
5. There's no money or dice.

Mermaid Quote #3

2006-10-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

"What time is it?"

-Random Mermaid that Needs to Know the Time

Mermaid Soup Kitchens

2006-10-19T21:14:00.001-07:00

Mermaid soup kitchens help feed the rich.

Mermaid Nirvana: Part 3

2006-10-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

Mermaid Nirvana's most popular song was just like Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit", except it was called "Smells Like Adult Perseverance" and the only instrument in it was a harmonica.

Mermaid Nirvana: Part 2

2006-10-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

Mermaid Nirvana's most popular album Mermaid Nevermind, is just like Nivana's album Nevermind, except instead of the cover featuring a baby swimming after money on a hook, it features an old man swimming after his dentures.

Mermaid Nirvana: Part 1

2006-10-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Mermaid Nirvana was just like the band Nivana, except the lead singer was a jellyfish.

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #19: Africa

2006-10-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

A mermaid was said to be spotted in Africa earlier today by a person who lies a lot. It was originally thought that the person who lies a lot was lying, but then it was found out that he was telling the truth because a person who tells the truth a lot said that the person who lies a lot was lying and was it firgured out that the person that tells the truth a lot was lying because the person that says what ever he feels like and you better listen said so.

Mermaid Déjà Vu

2006-10-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as mermaid déjà vu.

There is no such thing as mermaid déjà vu.

Mermaid Version of "The Wheels on the Bus"

2006-10-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

The mermaids have alternate lyrics for the songs "The Wheels on the Bus." They are as follows...

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
Round and round it goes

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and...
Hey, a semi's heading towards us
Look out bus driver!
Ahhhh, we hit it, we hit it!
Everythings on fire!

Friday the 13th

2006-10-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Despite Friday the 13th being tommorrow, Mermaids around the globe are celebrating Friday the 13th today so they can get all their bad luck out of the way.

Mermaid Treadmills

2006-10-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

I don't really know anything about mermaid treadmills. Sorry.

Mermaid Lies

2006-10-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Mermaids are supposed to tell the truth no matter what. The only exception is that mermaid women are allowed to lie about their age if they need to avoid social embarassment.

Mermaidphobia

2006-10-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

Mermaidphobia is the fear of having mermaidphobia.

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #18: Disney World

2006-10-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

A mermaid was seen at Disney World today by a man in his late sixties. He also reported seeing a really big mouse and Buzz Lightyear.

Mermaid Rome

2006-10-07T17:20:00.000-07:00

When in Mermaid Rome, don't do as the Mermaid Romans do, because they're all idiots.

Mermaid Fridges

2006-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Mermaid fridges are like normal fridges... Very like normal fridges.

Dumb Mermaid Says "What"

2006-10-05T20:49:00.001-07:00

Huh?

Mermaid Toothpaste

2006-10-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

Yeah, right. Like there's something called "mermaid toothpaste." I don't think so.

Mermaid Exceptions

2006-10-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

Mermaid exceptions are like normal exceptions, except for one exception, but I don't remember what it is.

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #17

2006-10-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

Look! Right there! See it?

Why I Didn't Leave a Mermaid Blog Post Yesterday...

2006-09-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

...I wanted to have more time to come up with a really good post for today.

Mermaid Fact

2006-09-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

A fact that doesn't involve mermaids isn't really a fact.

Smells that Mermaids Hate...

2006-09-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

1. Flowers
2. Mints
3. Deoderant
4. Saltwater
5. The smell of success

Mermaid Quote #2

2006-09-26T17:42:00.001-07:00

"Where's the mermaid beef?"

-Old Lady on a Mermaid Commercial

Subliminal Mermaid Ads

2006-09-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Subliminal mermaid ads are like normal subliminal ads, except they're more like normal ads that aren't subliminal because there's nothing special about them.

Here's an example:

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #16: My House: Part 5

2006-09-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

Fiona, the mermaid that's been living in my house for the last five weeks, has died of a brain tumor.

Diary of a Mermaid: Entry #22: 5-13-98

2006-09-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

(Note: Diary entries should be read in order starting with the first entry. If you read them out of order you're a jerk.)

Dear diary,
I remember what I was going to say. Eight days after being locked down in the parent mob's basement someone came down and let me out. I'm going skiing with my mom in a couple days. It should be fun.

Diary of a Mermaid: Entry #21: 5-12-98

2006-09-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
Um, I forgot what was gonna say.

Mermaid Cake

2006-09-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

How to make a mermaid cake...

Ingredients
½ pound flour
½ pound butter
½ pound eggs (4 eggs)
½ pound sugar
½ pound assorted dried fruit (currants, sultanas, and raisins).

Procedure
1. Cream the butter and sugar together until fluffy.
2. Beat in the eggs.
3. Gradually sift in the dry ingredients.
4. Transfer to a greased and floured baking pan.
5. Bake at 350 °F, until a skewer inserted shows no moist crumbs when removed.
6. Write the word "mermaid" with frosting on the pound cake you just made.

Purplecandleology

2006-09-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

That's right. Purplecandleology is the study of mermaids.

Mermaidology

2006-09-19T15:54:00.002-07:00

Mermaidology is the study of purple candles.

Back Up Mermaids

2006-09-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

In case the Mermaids species goes extinct, there are actually back up mermaids to replace them. Where are these back up mermaids you ask? Nowhere. The answer is nowhere!

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #15: My House: Part 4

2006-09-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Fiona, the mermaid that's been living in my house for the last four weeks, has become paralyzed from the waist to her neck. She was still planning to run the marathon though until she realised she doesn't have legs because she's a mermaid. So now Fiona has started a fantasy football league.

Mermaid Time Travel

2006-09-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

All mermaid have the ability to travel through time... They are able to move foward at the same rate as we all do.

Mermaid Chopsticks

2006-09-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

Mermaid chopsticks are different than regular chopsticks in every single way imaginable.

Diary of a Mermaid: Entry #20: 5-5-98

2006-09-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
Alright, just a quick update. The mob of parents has kidnapped me. Now I'm alone in a dark basement. I'm not sure what they're planning to do with me.

People Who Leave Comments on Mermaid Blogs

2006-09-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

People who leave comments on mermaid blogs normally have commitment issues.

Mermaid Colors

2006-09-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

Mermaids use deferent names for colors than we do. For example...

Red = Color #1
Blue = Color #2
Pink = Color #3
White = The Color That Snowmen Are

Mermaid Quote #1

2006-09-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

"Life" is just the word "like" with the letter "f" in it instead of the letter "k."

-Ancient Mermaid Philosopher

Weekly Mermaid Sighting #14: My House: Part 3

2006-09-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

The mermaid is still here for the third week in a row. I talked to her earlier and found out some stuff about her. Her name is Fiona. She used to be a taxi driver. She quit once things started getting "too polical." Then she decided to move into my house and start to train so she can run a marathon. She's doing sit ups right now.

Bands That Mermaids Like

2006-09-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

-U2
-The Beatles
-The Who
-The Rolling Stones
-Metallica
-Nirvana
-Rubber

Mermaid Puppets

2006-09-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

Mermaid puppets are like normal puppets, except there's no hole to put your hand in.